Pick A Ringtone, Any Ringtone

I have narrowed down my choices to 5, from the great ideas you all have given me, to place a ringtone on my new cell for Mr. Schmitty . It was so difficult! You really don't know how much I went back and forth with for many of them. (Except for Kelley's input. I never did like that purple dinosaur. Though I ADORE HER! And her shoes.)

But I said 5 songs were to be chosen. So 5 is must be. In no particular order my picks for everyone to vote on are:

1. Megryansmom from Look It's Megryansmom suggested "You Drive Me Crazy" by Britney Spears. Anyone who has a husband, I'm sure will concur, that this needs no explanation. Next.

2. Christine from The Bean Blog offered up, "Whatta Man" by Salt 'N Pepa. I LOVE that song. And Mr. Schmitty, yeah, "Whatta Man"!

3. Queen-Size Funny Bone from Don't Let Your Funny Bone Go Limp went with "Nobody Loves Me Like You Do" by Anne Murray. That is our wedding song, it has LOTS of meaning and memories, a definite contender, don't you think? One note; I would have to go with the Whitney Houston/Jermaine Jackson version though, if this song should win, as our first dance was sung by our band as a duet.

4. Janis from Pass The Merlot Please remembered that Mr. Schmitty is in law enforcement. Kudos, Janis! So, appropriately, she thinks "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle is a great choice.

5. And last, but not least, I had a very hard time choosing the final song. It was between Baloney at That's Baloney! who offered AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" and Patois at Whee! All The Way Home with her entry of Bruce Springsteen's "Fire". Tough, TOUGH, TOUGH! Springsteen...Yea, I'm from Joisey. Love The Boss. Met The Boss. Lived only streets away from The Boss (really, I did). My daughter's first concert, in utero; Yup, The Boss. AC/DC was MY first concert. I saw them with Mr. Schmitty. Though we were only high school friends. Actually, I was dating HIS best friend at the time. Long Story. They are still best friends. I'm best friends with HIS wife. THEY are our son's Godparents. See, LONG STORY.

Anywho, that all being said, I am officially going with "Fire". Less 'splainin to do. Heh.

There you have it. My 5 picks. I'm sorry if I didn't choose your song. Please don't take it personally. I could have picked numerous others, however, some of the songs would have been difficult to explain. Some of you perverts participants, ahem, Sarah, must have forgotten I have three children. Oh yea, and a Italian Roman Catholic MIL.

Let's get going here. Pick a song, you have until New Year's Day at 4 pm. The ringtone with the most votes will win a $25.00 iTunes Gift Card for either Megryansmom, Christine, Queen-Size Funny Bone, Janis, or Patois. The song will also become my ringtone for Mr. Schmitty.

Good Luck ladies and thanks for playing along!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Put Your Thinking Caps On To Win!

Mr. Schmitty bought me a new cell phone for Christmas! Ain't he just the bees knees?

It's the LG Dare and I absolutely L-O-V-E it! It has a touch screen and some really cool features.

While playing with my new toy, I realized that, though my contacts were transferred from my old cell, I needed to do some updating. Did you know you can place a thumbnail picture of each of those contacts on the phone? So cool!

I know, I'm a dork. I get extremely excited over gadgets.

[thinking I'll be getting a lot of remarks with that revelation]

I pulled up my iTunes library, on my computer, to get some ideas for incoming ringtones. If I set a different song for my most talked to contacts, it will allow me to know who is calling just by hearing the song. I like to screen my calls, what can I say? Meh.

I have a pretty large collection of songs with a very wide range of genres. I have everything from Britney Spears to Motely Crue, from Rascal Flatts to Enya, from Evanescence to Bruce Springsteen, from Eminem to Hinder to P!nk. I love ALL kinds of music.

I browsed my list of music and of course, began thinking of specific songs for certain people.

My MIL (aka the worrywart): Panic by The Backstreet Boys
My scatter-brained friend: Empty Spaces by Fuel
My family member who needs to be taken down a notch or two: Diva by Beyonce
My hell-raising friend: Lose Control by Missy Elliot or Just Another Psycho by Motley Crue
My SIL: Mary's Place by Bruce Springsteen (well, because...that's her name)
My nutty friend: Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne or Lithium by Evanescence
My teen-aged relatives: No Drama by Eden's Crush
My stoner friend from high school: You're Makin' Me High by Toni Braxton

You get the drift.

I just wish I knew a 'ho. I could come up with an iPod-load of songs for a slut:

Bad Girls or She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer, One Night Stand by Hinder, Don't Cha Wanna Ride by Joss Stone, Don't Do Me Like That by Tom Petty, Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado, Disease by Matchbox Twenty, Something In Your Mouth by Nickelback.

Okay, now I'm just getting crude.

After I placed Mr. Schmitty's photo on my phone, I asked him what I should make as his incoming ringtone. You know, so I can ignore the call answer it quickly.

Now, I could be sweet and have his ringtone be our wedding song; Nobody Loves Me Like You Do by Whitney Houston.

Can I get an, "AWWWWWW?"

But you know that my sarcastic sick demented humorous side just can't do it. I contemplated:

Livin' On A Prayer or Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi for the days I really want to ring his neck. Or what about Dirrty by Christina Aguilera for those days I'm feeling frisky? Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

So, answer me this; What do you think I should make Mr. Schmitty's incoming ringtone? Leave your suggestion in the comments. On Tuesday, I will pick my five favorites. I will put them into a poll for my readers to vote on until 4:00 pm on New Year's Day.

The winner will receive a $25.00 iTunes Gift Card AND I will officially make your song Mr. Schmitty's ringtone!

Phew....It's Over

Hope you had a Super Sweet Holiday!

I've Got Competition

I'm not going to take this lightly. It seems that a certain female is trying to come between Mr. Schmitty and I.

A younger, fairer haired charmer wants my man all to herself. I've found strands of her soft locks on his clothing. I have witnessed first hand the way she looks at him; with those pleading, sad brown eyes of hers.

Her feelings are so blatantly obvious. Even a stranger can't mistake the hold my husband has over her. She becomes openly upset when he leaves her presence. And comes alive again upon his return.

I've never doubted my husband's loyalty. I have known for over sixteen years that I am his only true love.

However, lately, I'm not so sure.

He seems to spend more and more time with her. Doing so has only strengthened her desire to be with him. Where ever he is, she is never too far behind; like a stalker in heat.

The fighter is me is drawing the line in the sand and laying down the law.

No more jumping into my seat the second I get up, just so you can snuggle up next to him. No more lying on his dirty shirts, only to growl at me when I need to do laundry. No more sitting at his feet and whining at me because he is giving me a back rub and not paying attention to you. And I get to say hello first when he comes home from work!

Now back off Ruby, he's mine, BITCH!

If The Shoe Fits, Kick Yourself In The Arse

THIS is a triangle:THIS is the color red:

THESE are letters:

D, E, I, L, Y

When you put THEM together you get THIS:The Wikipedia definition of THAT is THIS:

A Yield traffic sign indicates that a vehicle driver must slow down and prepare to stop if necessary — usually while merging into traffic on another road but needn't stop if there is no reason to do so.

Note the enhanced version of THAT definition:

A Yield traffic sign indicates that a vehicle driver must slow down and prepare to stop if necessary—usually while merging into traffic on another road but needn't stop if there is no reason to do so.

For the idiot moron asshat school bus driver that failed to observe THOSE rules in Jersey last week, please consider THIS your lesson for today.

THAT is all.

Nevermind A Beep, We Need A Bleep!

I was in the kitchen cutting veggies for my Christmas Eve Manhattan Clam Chowder. The kids were at the dining room table. They were eating their daily treat from our advent calendar.


That's one way to get rid of the Halloween candy!

Recently the Schmitty Kids have been addicted to watching Jeopardy and Wheel Of Fortune. At 7 pm, everyone gathers in the living room to answer questions with Alex. Then it's on to seeing what Vanna is wearing and solving puzzles.

As I continued with my dicing of potatoes, I tuned into the conversation in the dining room. I just love listening to them speak to one another. You know, instead of their usual fighting and name calling.

They were playing their own version of a game show. T. was the host and W. and R. were the contestants. The game of "What Is My Favorite" involved T. asking them questions based on his favorite things. W. and R. were to "beep in" and then shout out their answer.

T.: "What is my favorite color?"

W.: "Beeeeep. GREEN!"

T.: "Yes! One point."

W.: "Woot Woot!"

T.: "What is my favorite candy?"

W.: "Beeeep. Swedish Fish!"

T.: "Correct! Another point!"

R.: "Dang! I want to answer one!"

I was chuckling in the kitchen, thinking how cute they were being with one another. They were laughing and having a great time and it didn't involve video games!

My moment was suddenly broken when I heard T. ask, "What is my favorite curse word?" I opened my mouth to speak. I was too late.

R.: "BEEEEEEP! SHIT!"

Leave it to her to win that point.

My Secret Santa Rocks!

So the other day I received a package in the mail. I had been anxiously waiting for it. And now it was here!!

My gift from my Secret Santa.

Georgie from Decisionally Challenged hosted a Secret Santa Soiree. Isn't she creative, clever, and awesome?! It was so much fun.

My SS was Lynn (The Piggy Bank Painter - check out her adorable work at Korff Ceramic Originals) from After The Dust Settles.

Days ago, Georgie revealed the list of Secret Santas, so I really have no way of proving this, but along with my little sleuths (W., T., and R.) I had already cracked the case and figured out who done it.

As always, my nosy curious kiddos were on me like flies to poop, when they saw the package come in the mail. You know, because they think EVERYTHING is for them. "What do you mean, it's for YOU, mom?"

I told them to chill back the hell up be patient, as they tried to rip claw help me open the box.

Sheesh!

Inside, we found this:


You could feel the excitement in the air! I began smacking hands away as they all wanted a piece of the action.

I pulled the tissue paper out of the gift bag first.


There were many gifts, individually wrapped in tissue paper. First, my absolute FAV-OR-ITE candy in the whole, wide world - Ferrero Rocher!!! Yum-OOOOOOO! Next, an Apple Pie scented candle. LOVE IT! Next this cool little Reading Ring Bookmark. And then a cozy pair of gloves, which I SO needed. Around the pair of gloves was a beautiful, I am assuming handmade (because that Lynn is just so crafty), Christmas beaded bracelet.

But wait....that's not all. There was also another package, wrapped in, of course, Santa paper.


How sweet of my Secret Santa to include The Schmitty Kids! They went nuts when they saw this:


Isn't that just the cutest? Lynn, you are so talented! The kids immediately placed the plate on the coffee table in anticipation of a visit from 'ole Mr. Claus. (If only I could get those cookies baked!)

"Who sent this wonderful gift?" we all thought aloud.

A clue; the gift tags had a picture of a pig. Hmmm. Sounds familiar to me. Then, because he's smarter than me, W. turned over the Cookie Plate.

"Mom, this is from Lynn!" he exclaimed.

That's my boy, a regular Sherlock Holmes.

Thank you so much Lynn. I love my gifts. Oh, and my children wanted me to give you this message:

Getting Into The Spirit

I think I might finally be getting into the holiday season. Up until now, I have felt...well, I haven't felt much of anything, really. It's been a hectic few weeks and with the kids getting sick last week and me desperately trying to fight off the germs that I KNOW they have passed on to me, I just haven't been in a festive mood.

And for me, that's bad. I'm usually so excited for Christmas. It's a busy, BUSY time for me. I get stressed, but if you know me, then you know stress motivates me. I work best under pressure.

But this year I don't feel that stressed...because I really haven't seemed to care if I'm behind on my long list of to-dos. So.Not.Me!

But tonight, the Schmitty household seems to be turning a corner. I seem to be winning the battle of the sickness, one child is well enough to go back to school tomorrow, one is still hacking his poor little brains out, but the coughing IS coming less frequently than this morning, and one little girl is still completely snotting all over the place, but her cough has stopped.

There just might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

That, motivated me to get busy. I just jarred up nine quarts of homemade Manhattan Clam Chowder that I simmered all day. Tomorrow I will make my tomato sauce, meatballs, and sausage. I will also try to make my homemade Manicotti. I am getting this ready for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners. I want to freeze it all ahead of time to make next week a little easier on me.

Yes, I host both nights. Approximately 15 people on each. All because I'm....well, an idiot.

I still have to bake cookies too. I have to try to squeeze a day in somewhere. My shopping was completed online this morning but I still need to wrap EVERYTHING. I have to get out my good dishes and clean them up. I have to finalize my menus and order the fish for Christmas Eve. Oh, and I have to make some stationery for my kid's teachers.....all five of them.

Yea....I'm feeling the holidays now, baby!

If He Only Knew What He Said

The kids are sick with congestion and coughs. Last night T. woke me up at midnight, he was crying that his ear hurt. Great. Why does this stuff always happen during the night?

I took him downstairs with me to sleep in the spare bedroom, as I was afraid he would wake up everyone in the house. My poor baby. I felt awful for him.

While we waited for the Motrin I gave him to kick in, I tried everything I could think of to help relieve the pain; I had him blow his nose, I sprayed saline in his nostrils to help, I then used a bulb syringe to suck out the boogers when he didn't WANT to blow anymore, I gave him more decongestant, I placed Debrox drops in to clear his ear canal (he gets horrible wax build-up), and I held a hot compress against the ear. Finally something worked and he fell back asleep....

...for about two more hours. And then he was up again. It was like that way for the entire night.

This morning I took the three of them to the Pediatrician, who after examining them, filled out three prescriptions for antibiotics. W. and R. for sinus infections and T. for a double ear infection. All the infections were just beginning, so hopefully the Amoxicillian will nip it in the bud.

When we were through, we of course stopped at the front desk, you know, for the good behavior sticker. After rifling through the entire basket, a dozen or so times, they each picked a sticker of a different breed of dog.

W. showed me his sticker on the way out of the office. It was a picture of a Burmese Sheepdog.

I said to him, "That's a beautiful dog. When I was young, I had a dog with the same color markings."

"What kind of dog was it?" My son asked.

"Well, she was a mix breed and she looked like both of her parents. Her body looked like a Collie and her head looked like a Beagle."

"So, you had a Kegel!" He enthusiastically replied.

I almost fell down the steps as I went into hysterics.

Don't Swallow Your Gum!

My daughter LOVES bubble gum. I am constantly finding her rifling through my purse looking for the pack of Trident. She chomps away at it like a pro. She reminds me of a gum cracking waitress from the '50s. Or a cow chewing it's cud.

Mr. Schmitty bought her a pack of her very own at the grocery store. Darn those candy displays at the checkout.

I did not know she was in possession of this pack of gum, not until I began to find the wrappers, like a trail, to her room. After making her hand over the remaining pieces, I told her that she is only allowed to chew ONE piece at a time. I explained that I would hold on to her gum and that if she wanted some, she needed to ask.

I left her room and walked into my bedroom. Here I found shreds of foil, along with an apparently chewed up gum wrapper.

RUBY!

Thus, another reason that R. should not be allowed to "hold on" to her own package of gum. She leaves it on the coffee table and on the rug in the living room. She might as well put it in the dog's food bowl.

I called R. and T., as he can have a tendency to leave things lying around too, to my computer. I told them that they needed to be more careful with their things and to make sure to put them in their places. Especially food like items. I showed them the half eaten wrappers and then told them that I needed to show them something.

I pulled up a picture on the Internet and said, "This is what happens when you swallow gum. I'm not sure if Ruby actually ate any gum, but we don't want this to happen to her if she farts, do we?"


Their eyes got big and their faces took on a mixture of concern and amusement. I'm sure they were contemplating whether or not I was pulling their leg.

I then pulled up this next picture. I pointed to each word on the poster and read it out loud. T. and R. looked at each other. Could this really happen?


I do believe they will keep track of their gum from now on.

Please Someone, Make Them STOP!

I love listening to my children converse with one another. You know, those times that they are having such "important" discussions and they don't know you are listening to them. It's absolutely adorable and downright funny to hear what comes out of their mouths.

I usually treasure those moments.

But lately? Not so much.

Their usual exchanges have been taken to an entirely new level. Gone are the quiet speaking voices. They've said adios to the sweet impish chitchat.

All of that has now been replaced with loud, argumentative, whiny, "I can't hear you mom because I'm talking and he's talking and she's talking" pandemonium.

Quite frankly, MY.CHILDREN.WON'T.SHUT.THE.HELL.UP!!

Not for two seconds. And all three of them talk at the same time. Over each other. No one is listening to the other because they are too busy trying to be heard over the roar.

On Saturday, Mr. Schmitty and I were getting everyone ready to go out to lunch. For whatever reason, the kids were standing in the living room reciting Humpty Dumpty. Picture this; all three, in a more than quiet tone, repeating that nursery rhyme, at different intervals, over, and over, AND OVER again. At the same time the hubs and I are telling them to go to the bathroom and put on their shoes and coats.

They can't hear us because again, MY.CHILDREN.WON'T.SHUT.THE.HELL.UP!!

All I can picture in my head is that old Calgon commercial, as I begin to pull at my own hair.

"Calgon, take me away!" And then let me drown myself.

THE Talk

Well, it is done. W. was FINALLY enlightened about the birds and the bees.

I wasn't ready way back then. Mr. Schmitty wussed out here. And though this got the ball rolling, W. seemed to lose interest before the actual sit down took place.

Then yesterday came. Mr. Schmitty and I were talking and for some reason R. walked up to me and lifted up my shirt. On my stomach is a small scar from having my gallbladder removed.

W. asked, "Is that your scar from having us?"

"No, I didn't have an operation to have you," I replied.

Puzzled, he then asked, "Well, how were we born then?"

I looked at Mr. Schmitty. "Dude, you SO should have had this conversation already!"

He looked panicked.

"W. do you really want to know about babies? Are you REALLY ready for the answers?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Let's go in the other room then and sit down, " I told him as I escorted him through the doorway and flipped Mr. Schmitty the bird before I followed.

I proceeded to give W. the basic information on how a baby is made. His eyes got big and, of course, he started to giggle. So did I. It helped relieve some of the tension. I couldn't believe how innocent and clueless my son was. I know, from other moms, that a lot of kids his age are in the know.

The conversation went well. He asked a few questions and I kept it as simple as possible.

He then asked, "So, if you didn't have an operation, how was I born?"

"Well, I pushed you out."

He brought both of his hands around to his butt and said, "From here?"

I shook my head, "No, not there."

He grabbed at his chest like he had breasts, "Here?"

I laughed, "Honey, how do you think a baby would come out of there?"

"Did I come out of your belly button?"

Again, I shook my head.

"Well, where then?"

"What's left?" I asked.

His eyes got as big as saucers. His face broke out in a grin. "From your Bergina?"

"First of all, it's vagina and yes."

His mouth dropped open. He laughed out loud. "Did it hurt?"

"Yes, some. Especially you because you were first. I actually had to have a few stitches." [nervous banter]

He thought for a moment.

"Can I see your stitches?"

"Grrrreaaaat, no more questions? Good, good, talk over. Thanks for coming, dad can take it from here."

Probably THE Best Headline I Have Ever Read

I burst out laughing
when I saw the NY Post today.

They couldn't have worded it any better!

We Need A Song Book

Well, the singing bug has officially bitten all of the Schmitty Kids. Not only am I being serenaded by W., but T. and R. have also found their voices.

And yes, apparently being vocally challenged is a genetic disorder.

Now that our Christmas tree is up and the house is adorned with holiday decorations, the kids have been bopping around the house, full of seasonal spirit. No matter what they are doing, the three of them can be heard caroling.

The problem is; they really and TRULY need to learn the words to the songs.

Take for instance the following:

T.: "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All The Waaaaaaay!"

R.: "'Ho has fun as she rides!"

What?! Who's a 'ho?!

And does anyone know this little ditty?

W.: "Deck the halls with BELLS of holly!"

Me: "Boughs"

W.: "Oh! Deck the halls with BALLS of holly!"

Hee hee, he said BALLS. (Sorry, me being 12, AGAIN!)

But can you guess what is the ONE song they get completely right?

All Three Schmitty Kids:

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Bat Mobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away - Hey!"

And my girl? My sweet little R.? She has even gone as far as putting her own spin on it.

"Jingle Bells, W. smells, T. laid and egg, the minivan lost a wheel, and Ruby got away - Hey!"

She's brilliant, I tell you.....BRILLIANT!

Please Say A Prayer

I found out today that a very dear friend has two tumors in her breast. She is scheduled for a mastectomy. The results of the tests that she has had so far, reveal that the cancer has NOT spread anywhere else. We so desperately hope that once the operation takes place, that this will indeed, be the case.

My friend is a tough cookie. When she broke the news to me she was her usual sarcastically funny self. I told her she didn't need to be with me.

Only then did she say, "I'm fucking scared, I really don't want to die."

God, I really don't want her to either.

I licked a baseball bat because the voices told me to.

I thought I'd start the week off with some fun.

Follow the directions below and leave your sentence in my comments.

Pick the month you were born (The words that follow are the first part of your sentence):

January - I kicked
February - I loved
March - I karate chopped
April - I licked
May - I jumped on
June - I smelled
July - I did the Macarena with
August - I had lunch with
September - I danced with
October - I sang to
November - I yelled at
December - I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on (The words that follow are the second part of your sentence):

1 - a birdbath
2 - a monster
3 - a phone
4 - a fork
5 - a snowman
6 - a gangster
7 - my cell phone
8 - my dog
9 - my best friend's boyfriend
10 - my neighbor
11 - my mailman
12 - a banana
13 - a fireman
14 - a stuffed animal
15 - a goat
16 - a pickle
17 - your mom
18 - a spoon
19 - a surf board
20 - a baseball bat
21 - a ninja
22 - Chuck Norris
23 - a noodle
24 - a squirrel
25 - a football player
26 - my sister
27 - my brother
28 - an iPod
29 - a sneaker
30 - a llama
31 - a homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing right now (The words that follow are the last part of your sentence):

White - because I'm cool like that
Black - because I'm a Ninja!
Pink - because I'm crazy.
Red - because the voices told me to.
Blue - because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green - because I think I need some serious help.
Purple - because I'm AWESOME!
Gray - because Big Bird told me to and he's my leader.
Yellow - because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange - because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown - because I can.
Other - because that's how I roll.
None - because I can't control myself!

Now, leave me a comment!