Saturday, November 29, 2008

A Turkey, A Monkey, And A Jackass

Thanksgiving was very nice. A mostly quiet, peaceful day with Mr. Schmitty, the kids, my mom, sister, brother-in-law, brother, my brother's girlfriend, her two daughters, and their new baby boy.

Everything was perfect; the company, the football game (The Dallas Cowboys won much to Mr. Schmitty's delight), my glass of wine, and the food. The turkey was YUMMMMM-ie!

One of the highlights of the day was getting my baby fix. My old biological clock is winding down so when I get near a baby or a pregnant woman, I get a little mushy. My new nephew, baby J., is beautiful. He is just over a month old and was born on R.'s birthday. She is thrilled that she can share her day with him.

I love having a new baby in the family. While I was cooking dinner, I saw W. sitting on the couch, with the baby in his arms. Tears welled up in my eyes; it was such a precious sight.

And then my brother had to ruin the moment.

He reached into a plastic shopping bag and produced a wrapped gift. It was R.'s birthday gift. She unwrapped it and began to play.

I glared at my brother. He, of course, laughed. You know, the evil type of laugh that only a sibling can produce.

THIS is what I have been listening to since Thursday.


WTF?!

All I have to say little brother is, "Paybacks are a bitch!"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

If Today Was Thanksgiving (This Would Be My Post)

"I am thankful for my children"

BAM!

"I am thankful for my children"

BAM!

"I am thankful for my children"

BAM!

[FYI ~ BAM! would be my forehead slamming down onto my desk]

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Give A Drop


As Thanksgiving approaches, we all reflect on what we are thankful for. I am thankful for my children, my husband, my family. I am also thankful for all of our health and our home. I have much to be thankful for, as I'm sure you all do.

But, did it ever cross your mind to be thankful for clean drinking water? It never occurred to me, until today.

I received an email from a Virgin Group representative. She asked if I would help spread the word about Project Clean Water at www.giveadrop.com.

Founded in 1997, by singer Jewel, Project Clean Water targets villages around the world that have water problems. The initiative finds solutions to provide these villages with safe drinking water.

Great cause, huh?

Upon visiting the Give A Drop website, you can help by donating a "drop" in support. The more your donation, the bigger your "drop". You can even click on View Drops to see who is helping make the world a better place.

You can also visit the Virgin Money website and "Give Thanks". Virgin will donate $1.00 to Give A Drop for each person who visits and simply posts a picture and caption of someone or something they are thankful for. They are also going to generously donate $50.00 to the organization, just because I told you all about it.

How great is that?!

So please, stop by this Thanksgiving and do something special. Isn't that what this season is all about?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Who Stepped On The Cat?

I can't carry a tune to save my life. I know this. I don't sing in the shower. I will not partake in karaoke.

Hell
, I don't even like to sing Happy Birthday to anyone before they blow out their candles. Seriously, you will always find me standing next to the light switch, in the dark, mouthing the words.

I really believe I am that horrible. I refuse to subject anyone to my vocal inadequacies.

Okay, except for my children. Upon their insistence, I will sing them a song before bed. But only if they ask. Nicely. And I will sing with them in the car. With the music loud enough that they can't really hear me anyway. And with the windows rolled up. Tightly.

I knew from a young age that I sucked. I never, EVER, joined any of the school choruses. In fourth grade when the choir went to practice in the lunchroom, I stayed behind with the other tunefully challenged kids. Which really was fine with me because I did have a crush on the new boy in class. Who wound up being my boyfriend all through high school, but that's another story. Entirely.

Where was I? Oh yea. So I, at only nine years old, recognized my limitations. I, my friends, am a realist.

So, how can it be, that my child, the fruit of my loins, who apparently has been cursed with a male version of my voice, acts like he's in line to be the next King of Rock 'n Roll? W. has been serenading us, frequently, with his crooning. At.The.Top.Of.His.Lungs. Believe me boy, we can hear you. There's really no need to shout.

I love my son, with all of my being. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I can't crush his self-esteem. But do I really have to lie when he asks how he sounds? I mean, how do you sugar coat, "Like nails on a chalkboard?"

When he is in the shower, it's worse. For some reason he has been singing the same five or six lines from two different songs. Two completely different types of songs. He mixes them together and sings them over, and over, and over, and....well, you get the picture.

Tonight I was folding laundry. The downstairs bathroom is right next to the laundry room. W. jumped in the shower and immediately burst into song. I felt my eyes roll and my shoulders tighten a bit.

He begins, "This could be the start of something new, it feels so right to be here with you!" from High School Musical. Those must be the only words he knows from the song because he then switches it up and I hear Lips Of An Angel by Hinder.

I continue to fold the towels from the dryer and I hear, in a very nasally tone, "Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay? I gotta whisper cause I can't be too looooouuuuuud."

And lightning strike me down, I think, "No! Everything is not okay, she's crying because you won't stop singing to her!!! And that's NOT a whisper!!!"

I'm a terrible mother and person.

I just hope that American Idol is off the air by the time he's old enough to try out. I really couldn't bear seeing him on the bloopers show.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Coloring Inside The Lines

Yesterday R. came home from Pre-K with stories of Thanksgiving. She was being read books, daily, on the upcoming holiday. She informed me that the children were each painting a cornucopia, which she pronounced quite well, much to my amazement. They, of course, were also drawing hand turkeys and constructing pilgrim hats and Indian headbands.

After she placed her backpack on the living room sofa, she unzipped it and pulled out a green folder. From this, she found a piece of paper; it had a drawing of a Thanksgiving Turkey printed on it.

Instead of running for the snack cabinet, as she does every day after school, she grabbed a container of markers and sat down to work. She had a look of complete concentration on her face. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, at least three or four times, and when I didn't receive a response, I left her to her coloring.

I watched her from across the room. She was totally engrossed in her task, as though nothing in the world was as important as finishing that picture. I smiled.

A little while later she came running into my office, waving her paper above her head.

"I'm done mommy!!" She yelled, "Look at my turkey!!"

"Wow, honey! It's beautiful. Look at all of the colors you used!" I replied.

"Do you like it?" She asked.

"Like it? I LOVE it!!!" I responded. "You did so well coloring in the lines!"

Indeed, she did pretty well for a Preschooler. I did notice, however, that she had gotten a little crazy with the brown marker in one area.

"Were you being silly over here? Did you hiccup when you were using the brown marker?" I teased.

"No mommy!! That's the turkey's poop!!"

"Ahhhhh.....silly me, I should have known!"

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Those That Shall Remain Nameless

Do you know what I hate about my blog? I hate that many times I can't find a topic to write about. Actually, scratch that. I have TONS and TONS of topics to write about, I just don't.

Want to know why? Because I'm a nice person, dammit.

I write at the expense of my dear Mr. Schmitty and my three beautiful children. I post about my yappy dog. I even poke fun at myself, on occasion. But I'm allowed to diss my family. Mr. Schmitty is fair game because believe me, he isn't exactly an angel himself. He hands it to me quite often enough. My dog, well, she's just a dog. And considering the hell I went through to conceive and birth my children, well, it's my entitlement to mess with them and tell the world about it. Right?!

My loyal readers seem to enjoy those posts. I've been told from time to time that I have indeed gotten a giggle, if not a full blown soda-out-the-nose-snort, from one of my tales.

But I have to admit, my friends, that you are being jilted. I have so much more to give you. I just can't.

Yea, that niceness thing again.

Much to my chagrin, I'm surrounded by great material. Material that is doing me absolutely no good, because I have to actually SEE these people. I have to interact with them and play, yes, NICE.

There are so many people in my life that are just tempting me. Those bastards. They are dangling that proverbial carrot right in front of me. It's hanging there, all orange and fresh, beckoning me to pounce on it. But I resist.

BECAUSE.I'M.NICE!

Many of these juicy stories come from people I may have to deal with for the rest of my life. There is a plethora of hilarious (at least to me) incidents, moments, and observations that I'm just aching to put into words on this blog.

BUT.I.AM.TOO.FREAKING.NICE!

I'm just busting at the seams with their priceless drama, so much so, that it just makes my head spin. And I just hate the fact, that I can't share my sitcom of a life with you, because I believe you would truly pee yourself laughing.

Yes, some of them are THAT entertaining.

I hope someday that I will grow a set. Or they will piss me off one too many times. Or someone will offer me big dough to write a book or something. Because then? All bets are off.

Until then, Mrs. Too Freaking Nice (aka...Mrs. Wimp-ass) is signing off.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I'm Going To Start Stapling Things To His Head

Do any of you have a husband that constantly loses his belongings? His car keys, cell phone, wallet? Well, I do.

It's a good thing the family jewels are attached to his body because we may never have had children.

Mr. Schmitty claims, when he is searching frantically for the above mentioned objects, that they are NOT lost. They are simply misplaced.

I have a theory that we must have a goblin living in our house, that mischievous bastard! And for some reason he's got a thorn in his ass for the Mr. because only HIS things disappear.

For instance, one day last week, the little peckerhead (the goblin, not Mr. Schmitty, of course) must have gotten a hold of the wallet. We searched high and low for it. In my husband's work truck, the minivan, and the front yard. We combed the whole house. Nada.

He researched the work truck, while I rechecked the minivan, front yard, and house. Nope. Nothing. Zilch.

I was beginning a slow boil. I really didn't want to spend all afternoon cancelling credit cards and atm cards. FREAKING CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I didn't want to wait for new plastic to get here!

I heard Mr. Schmitty in the kitchen. He had placed his gym bag on the counter.

"Did you look in there?" I asked, trying not to spit venom. He was digging into my free time. I mean c'mon, the kids were in SCHOOL!!

"Yes."

"Did you look through EVERYTHING? EVERY pocket? Did you take things out or just move them around?"

He looked annoyingly at me and said, "Of course I checked everything! It's not there."

"Okay, okay!" I said as I walked past the counter, "I belie.........OH MY GOD!!!"

"What?"

"OH MY FREAKING......OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAWD!"

"WHAT?!"

I didn't say another word, I just reached in the opened, side pocket of the gym bag and pulled out his wallet. I had glanced down on my way past the counter and there it was, clear as day.

The neighbors must have thought we were having the best slammin' sex in the world because all I could do for the next five minutes was yell, "OH.MY.GOD!"

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Google Reader Is Killing Me!

I love reading blogs. I love commenting on blogs. I have 128 subscriptions in my reader. That's a lot of blogs. And those are my favorites. I just deleted a poop-load recently, too. I didn't want to, but my list was getting completely out of control. I think I broke up with about 128 other blogs.

It tore me up. I'm so sorry, it was me, not you. Really, you were great. You can do so much better than me. You deserve more. I hope we can still be friends.

Though I dumped kicked to the curb deleted these beautiful souls from my life, I still can't seem to keep up with the daily posts. Every time I go to my reader, I have tons of updates. TONS!

And just imagine my horror if I miss a day, because I actually have a life outside of the Internet, with big girl responsibilities and stuff. Stuff, you know, like those three little terrors, I call my love-a-loves. Oh yea, and my husband.

As of late, I've had a lot of balls in the air. I'm trying not to drop any. Reading blogs has had to take a back seat. If I've missed some days, and my reader is full, oh boy, I hate to admit this, but I've taken to [shudder] browsing the list, reading only the ones with a title that catches my eye, and [gulp] clicking on "mark all as read".

PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!!

I seriously LOVE you all and I hate myself for not being more active, in this very important to me, blogging community. I promise I will try harder.

Maybe you can slow down on your posting? That would help.

kthnxbai.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How Memories Can Come Flooding Back

I was wondering tonight. How many of you allow your children to play with toy guns? I have never purchased a toy gun of any kind for my kids. Even water pistols are the animal type that don't resemble a gun in any way.

My brother gave the boys Nerf guns last year for Christmas and they also received, from someone, a western shooting game. The game has plastic cans and bottles you "shoot" off of a log. The gun is a bright orange six-shooter and would never be mistaken for a real handgun. When used in target practice, those toys are fun and seem harmless enough.

Still, I feel that little cringe when I see them pretending to "kill" one another with them.

I'm not afraid of using guns. I've done my fair share of target shooting with shotguns, rifles, and handguns. I quite enjoy it, actually, and am a pretty good shot.

Mr. Schmitty is also in law enforcement, so guns are a part of my life, and I respect them.

But tonight, when my daughter stuck that bright orange handgun in my face and yelled, "BANG! Mommy your dead!" I reeled a bit and lost a little facial coloring.

My mind went flashing back about nineteen years. I was working as a head teller in a bank. It was a small town bank, just around the corner from my house. I had worked there for about 5 years and because I grew up in the town, I knew most of the customers that came in.

One summer afternoon, three of the seven employees had gone out to lunch. I and another teller were preparing our teller drawers for the end of the day. A man, I had never seen before, came into the branch and walked to the desk of the assistant manager. He seemed to ask her a question and then turned and headed for the far lobby. He stopped half way across the room and again turned toward her desk.

Does the hair ever stand up on the back of your neck and you just FEEL that something isn't quite right? I had just turned to my coworker to say, "This guy is making me nervous", when I heard her yell, "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

I turned to see the man punching, the only male employee, in the jaw, repeatedly. He then instructed him to get behind the teller line and onto the floor. He went to my coworker and told her to put her tray of money in his bag. I just stood in my booth, paralyzed. He then told her to get on the floor too.

He turned toward me. He walked into my teller booth and stood to my right. He placed the bag on the counter, pointed his gun at me, and told me to fill the bag. I opened my drawer and instinctively grabbed for the "bait money" (strapped money with pre-recorded serial numbers) and placed that in the bag first. Damn him if I wasn't going to at least TRY to do something! At least they could prove where the money came from if they caught him with the cash. I didn't know how effective it would be, but it was the first thing that came to my mind.

After I finished he told me to get on the floor. I couldn't move. All I could think of was, "OH NO! The teller door can only be opened by a key or a buzzer!" It had closed and locked behind him when he had entered. I couldn't reach for the buzzer to let him out, he might think I was trying to push an alarm button. What if he panicked because he couldn't get out?

The thought of this only allowed my body to get into a squatting position. My mind raced with what could happen next.

Suddenly he threw himself up onto the door and over the top. He began to run through the lobby. I jumped up and started screaming, "HIT THE FUCKING ALARM!!" I desperately wanted that asshole's image captured on the cameras. I then picked up the telephone and called the local police department. My cousin, a patrolman, answered. I calmly explained what had happened, what the man looked like, and in what direction he was heading.

I then hung up and reached for my cigarettes and lit up. I think I proceeded to smoke an entire pack in about an hour.

Local police came. Bank officials came. The FBI came. Mr. Schmitty, who was then my fiancee, came. I could see him trying to peek in the windows. I smiled at him and gave him the thumbs up.

I noticed then how badly I was shaking.

It took a long time for me to get over the irrational thought that this man was going to get me in my dreams, in my room at night, or from a bush he was hiding in. Even after he was caught, only days later. I still don't know how I took such initial control and so calmly called the police. The company psychologist told me that I had very strong survival skills.

That may be true, but it's a day I don't think I'll ever forget. It's a memory that will send me into a tailspin by something so trivial as my daughter playing cowgirl.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Let's Meet In Real Life at BlogHer '09!

The announcement has been made for the BlogHer '09 Conference. It will be helf in Chicago, IL. Think we can get Oprah to go? I'd love it if Oprah could go. Oprah, will you come meet me? You could crash in my room....seriously, I don't snore.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, THE conference. I must tell you, I already have mammoth sized butterflies in my tummy.

This past July, I vowed to attend the next conference. I swore to Karly. She swore to me. WE.HAVE.TO.GO!

I've never been to a BlogHer conference. I have been wanting to go for two years. Just know people, that me going, is a HUGE deal.

Me? Get on an airplane, by.my.self? Go to a city I have never been to before. by.my.self? Attend a conference, by.my.self? A ginormous conference with all sorts of beautiful, funny, and smart ladies and men, by.my.self? WALK INTO A CONFERENCE SMILING AND SAYING HELLO TO PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER MET "IN REAL LIFE", BUT POSSIBLY KNOW MORE ABOUT, BECAUSE OF THEIR HONESTY IN THEIR BLOGS, THAN PEOPLE I DO KNOW IN REAL LIFE, BY.MY.SELF?!!!!

Hell, YES!! This self-proclaimed paranoid, low-self esteemed, shy woman is going to do it. I NEED to do it. For me. To prove to myself that I can do more than I give myself credit for. That I AM more than I give myself credit for.

For me....this will be a monumental moment in my life. I'm stepping out of the security of my bubble and putting myself out there with the best of the best.

When you see me (I'll be the one that looks as though she may either cry and run for the door or puke on your shoes), please, PLEASE be nice to me and then point me towards the bar.

BlogHer '09 In Real Life

Sunday, November 09, 2008

It's Time For Holiday Greetings

The Holidays are fast approaching. I'm freaking out!

But that's not the subject of this post. I just wanted to let you all know that I have added a few designs to my Doodle Kids® collection ~ especially for the Holidays.

Wouldn't you just love to send out some personalized characters to represent YOU and YOUR family this year? My adorable Doodle Kids® can do just that!

Choose from Holiday Cards, Address Labels, and Gift Stickers in the Santa Hat Family or Snowman Family design. You can add skin tones, hairstyles, and hair colors to each character for every member of your family!


And don't forget Santa Gift Stickers for your children's gifts!


While you are there getting a jump on your Holiday Greetings, why don't you do a little shopping? Doodle Kids® stationery is great for gift giving. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, Teachers....there is something for everyone!

Use code Holiday08 on all orders over $75.00 and receive free shipping!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

A Riddle For You

Question: What do you get when you combine six children (ages 4, 5, 5, 7, 9, and 10. Two, of said children, have tummy aches and are pooping every 5 minutes and screaming for you to wipe their butts because they got into the Halloween candy, another one that wants to eat you out of house and home and keeps saying, "I'm hungry", one who is being a wise guy and highly obnoxious, and two that keep sneaking outside to use their new Heelys in the pouring rain), one mother-in-law (who is loved dearly, but is beginning to lose "it" a bit and has a tendency to tell drawn out stories from "back in the day" that you've heard a zillion and one times before and who is extremely paranoid about the kids being abducted and whose eyesight is so shot that she can't even see them when they are sitting in the chair next to her causing her to go into a full blown panic), and a yappy dog (that is going to have it's mouth duct taped shut very shortly if she doesn't SHUT.THE.HELL.UP because there really is no need to bark continuously at the leaf that is blowing around in the front yard)?

Answer: A partially bald mom who has suddenly acquired a right eye twitch, one who has an ungodly urge to start her own IV drip of vodka but can't because she already has a pounding migraine, which is a good thing because it's drowning out the voices that keep telling her to shove her head in the oven.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Americans Need To Lighten Up

I usually try not to blog about controversial subjects. I like to keep things light and amusing here, because honestly, I can't take the drama. I don't need it and I don't want it. I've got enough of my own, thank you very much.

But sometimes I'll read something in the news that really pisses me off and I've got to get it off my size 40DD chest.

I think we, meaning Americans, need to stop being so freaking uptight. Some people need to pull the rod out of their ass and realize that this country is made up of all types of people. We all come from different backgrounds, different races, and different religions. We live in a FREE country that gives us the right to express ourselves in any way that we choose. That's why we live here, right?

I'm really tired of being told that I can't do this or I shouldn't do that because it might offend someone. I don't tell others how to live their life. I don't shove my views down anyone else's throat. I know that, even though I might not always agree or understand some one's ways, in the grand scheme of things, it's really none of my business. Just as it's no one else's business how I live my life.

Wake up people! It's called acceptance and tolerance!

Thirteen year old, Alex Woinski, from Paramus, NJ, was sent home from school by his principal because his Halloween costume was, "offensive to some students". The son of a Catholic mom and a Jewish father was told that, "it was disrupting the education process".

He dressed as Jesus Christ.

Are you kidding me? Sure kids, come dressed like the devil, or better yet a serial killer with blood dripping from your chainsaw, but don't you DARE dress like a Christian Saviour!

Yes, that would just be too objectionable.

For shame Principal Joan Broe, for shame.