You want a piece of me?!

T. has been into showing off his "karate" moves lately. I'm constantly hearing, "Hi-Ya!" ringing through the house. He doesn't take karate classes, so I'm sure he got the idea from Spongebob and Sandy Cheeks. Spongebob Squarepants has been the cartoon du jour around here lately.

The other night I was relaxing and reading a magazine. T. ran over and did a side kick to the couch, "Hi-Ya!"

"Very nice T., you teach this couch a lesson!"

"Mom, smack me in the head."

"Um, why?"

"Just do it, hard." I tap him on the side of his head.

"NO! Harder." I tap him lighter on the top of his head.

"MA! I said harder!" I tap him a third time and barely graze his head.

"NO, like this!" He proceeds to crack me up side my head so hard I literally saw stars!

"You better take your little Karate kid butt outside before I regain consciousness!"

Don't Eat That, It's Spoiled!

My kids L-O-V-E junk. All kinds of junk; chips, cookies, and especially candy. But, I know, what kid doesn't? I don't deprive them of treats, but I do try to keep a handle on it.

Yesterday Mr. Schmitty and I took the kids and Ruby to my mother's house. She has a really great park at the end of her street and we needed to get out of this house. When we got there my sister and brother-in-law were also visiting. We ordered take-out for dinner and then all went to the park to play. Afterward we walked to the local ice cream parlor for some cones. It was a very fun evening. The kids were great and well behaved so it was extra nice.

When we got back to my mother's house, T. and R. wanted to get into her candy stash. Her house is literally a candy store. Sweets are like crack to her. She has canisters on her kitchen counters and candy dishes in her living room. I let them have some Swedish Fish and told them it was time to get into p.j.'s.

Of course for R. the Fish were not enough. She started grabbing the bite-sized Milkyways from the candy dish in the living room.

"No, R., you've had enough candy."

"I waaaaannnnt this!"

"No, you had ice cream and fish, no more junk tonight."

"But I waaaaannnnt this too!"

The gears in my brain start turning, quick, what will work? AH-HA!

"You can't, it's no good."

"Why?"

"The kitties peed on that dish." My mom is like the old cat lady, she has 5 cats, she used to have 7.

"Ewww, they did? Why?"

"They had an accident."

She drops the candy in the dish and says, "Bad kitties!"

She runs into the kitchen, "Grandma, your kitties pee-peed on the candy!"

"No, they didn't R., you are such a silly girl."

I ran in, "Oh mom, you really need to dump that candy out, those kitties are baaaad!"

"What are you talking about?"

Is it okay to kick your mother in the shins?

Another Meme

I have been tagged by BlondeMomBlog for the following meme. I think she tagged me DAYS ago...sorry, I've been a slacker!

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) A Lifetime
2) The Life & Times of a First Time Stay At Home Mom
3) Mom of 2 and Wife of 1
4) BlondeMomBlog
5) It's A Schmitty Life

Next select five people to tag:

I'm going to choose some new friends that have been stopping by; Sugar Kane of Crazy And In Charge, Mrs. Fierce Shoes of Life Is Short...Buy The Shoes, EE of Life Unscripted, Shauna of Pass The Chocolate, and Jen of Problem Girl.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist and trying to conceive. Mr. Schmitty and I had been married for 5 years and had basically been trying since day one of being husband and wife. I had been poked, prodded, given massive amounts of hormones, the works. Finally in September of that year I became pregnant with W.!

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I'm sure exactly what I'm doing now. Taking care of 3 kids, Mr. Schmitty, my business, and my house. I don't think anything earth shattering happened last year.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Wheat Thins with Port Wine/Cheddar Cheese spread
2. Popcorn
3. Black Raspberry Ice Cream with Chocolate Sprinkles
4. Toll House Pie
5. Honey Wheat Multi-grain Pretzels

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1. Hush Little Baby
2. Most Bruce Springsteen songs
3. Jukebox Hero by Foreigner
4. Most Tom Petty songs
5. Spongebob Square Pants theme

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Build my dream home
2. Pay off bills
3. Save for my children's education
4. Give to charity
5. Buy Mr. Schmitty a classic 1967 Firebird in mint condition

Five bad habits:
1. Talk too much when I'm nervous or self-conscious
2. Don't exercise enough
3. Curse too much
4. Don't save enough money
5. Online too much

Five things you like doing:
1. Spending time with Mr. Schmitty at night when the kids are asleep
2. Playing with my kids
3. Going to the movies
4. Drawing
5. Having drinks and dinner with my girlfriends

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Leg warmers
2. 3-inch heels
3. Stirrup pants
4. Big 80's hair sprayed stiff with hairspray
5. My gold lame senior prom gown (don't ask!)

Five favorite toys:
1. Computer and Laptop
2. Dell DJ
3. Digital cameras
4. Pink Razor cell
5. Gamboy Advance


UPDATE:
Okay, Zephra here is a picture of my dress. I can't believe I found the exact one online. I know I have pictures of me in it, but it would take me all day to sift through the thousands of photos I have to find it. So, this will have to do. I remember clearly the day my 4 best friends and I went Prom dress shopping. They said I looked like a Princess in this, I fell for it, and had to have it to be different. I was different alright! Please don't laugh, okay, you can, I do! Isn't it frightening?

Shakin' It For Shrek!

I was lying down for a bit yesterday because my grass and tree allergies basically rendered me a sniveling, useless lump of a woman. After practically breaking down my bedroom door, R. jumped in my bed for a snuggle. God forbid mommy get any alone time, but she's a good one to snuggle with so I really didn't mind.

"Mama, what do fishies eat?"

As I said, I'm feeling lousy and not really up for 20 questions. I reply, "Fishy food."

"Oh. What do seahorsies eat?"

"Seashorsy food", I sniffle, sneeze, and blow my red, sore nose.

"Oh. Whaaaaaat dooooo, hmmmm, lions eat?"

"Little girls named R.", because you know I love to mess with my kid's minds and I really want to just close my eyes at this point.

"Oh, mama, you're so silly. Really, what do they eat?"

"They eat antelopes and stuff", I say, with a little cringe hoping she doesn't start wanting details.

She just looked at me for a moment and then yelled, "I LOVE cantaloupe too!"

Satisfied with the conversation, she cuddled up next to me in the bed. I closed my eyes and then heard something strange. It was the most annoying sound. I opened one eye and saw the new Shrek baby toy she had gotten from McDonald's. Have your kids gotten one yet? When you push the button it breaks wind and then giggles. It's face is even painted to look like it's squeaking one out. I thought it was funny when I first saw it but now it's grinding on my last nerve.

The whole Shrek The Third advertising campaign is nuts! Now, I love Shrek as much as anybody and I couldn't wait to take the kids to see the movie. But besides the gazillion commercials and toys, the face of Shrek, Donkey, and Puss In Boots is plastered everywhere. McDonalds has them on the Happy Meals, on glasses, on the milk jugs, and even the straws are green!

I went food shopping the other day and needed blinders for T. and R. because every aisle we entered was the same. "Mommy, can we get that cereal? Shrek is on it!" and "Mommy look I love those waffles because look, it's Donkey!" I was waiting to find Puss In Boots on a box of Tampax tampons!

R. started freaking out when I said no to buying Cheetos with Shrek's mug on them. They turn your tongue green when you eat them! THEY.TURN.YOUR.TONGUE.GREEN! I drew the line, because that just can't be healthy. And really, it's kind of gross.

She said she would do the booty dance for me if I bought them. R. has a little dance she does now that is hilarious. She shakes her butt back and forth slowly and squats up and down while doing it. I keep telling Mr. Schmitty I am going to buy her a stripper pole. Needless to say, he doesn't find it amusing. She and I settled on a kiss for a bag of Shrek M&M's, not to worry honey, nobody in town saw her shake her groove thang!

Week 2, Weigh In or Not

Well, I pulled out the scale this morning for week 2 of the May Day Weight Loss Challenge. I stepped up and something very strange happened. The digital scale display showed I weigh 5 pounds.

5 pounds? Is that a good thing? I'm not so sure!

Here are my theories:

1. I really did break the scale last week.

2. I'm dreaming.

3. I'm dead and well, I'm sure ghosts only weigh about 5 pounds.

4. I LOST A SHIT-LOAD OF WEIGHT THIS WEEK!

I think I'm going with answer #1. So, I won't be able to actually weigh in this week. If I had to guess-ta-mate, I think I am either the same weight or slightly less than last week. I say this because the red tide has receded and I've deflated. I can tell because my wedding rings are able to slide on and off without the use of lubricants.

That being said, I'm off to Target to purchase a new scale and a bag of chips case of Slimfast.

Teddy Bear Picnic

Finally T. and R. decided to get along today. They've been having a problem playing nice as of late. Because of their sudden dislike of each other's company, they follow me around all day wanting me to entertain them. I had some work to do this morning, so really, their only choices for entertainment were to play solo, watch tv, or play TOGETHER.

You can only imagine my amazement when I heard conversation and laughter coming from, of all places, the playroom. I was beginning to think of that room as a shrine to childhood. I was all ready to throw a yard sale, damn it!

I peeked out from my office and saw them collecting Care Bears. We have quite a lot of stuffed animals in this house. And though I can't stand the fact that they are EVERYWHERE, I must admit my children do love them and play with them frequently. Along with the bears, they were placing play food and tea cups in a basket. They informed me that they were going to bring these objects upstairs. You see the playroom had gotten too messy and they didn't have enough room for their picnic.

Sure, why not? They are getting along, I couldn't and wouldn't stand in the way of their truce. You never know how long it might last.

I told them to call me when their picnic was all set up. I wanted to see what was cookin'.

When they were done I was asked to come see what they had done.

It was an adorable sight. The gang was all there, Surprise Bear, Share Bear, Love-A-Lot Bear, TenderHeart Bear, and even Grumpy Bear! Each guest had a tea cup with iced tea in it, because it's, "Too hot out for hot tea", I was told. The hosts even had the notion to serve food to their hungry guests. The menu was quite eclectic.

Surprise Bear had chosen an Oreo cookie.



Love-A-Lot gnawed on a chicken leg and the ever healthy Share Bear went with a juicy, red apple. Now Grumpy Bear, though you can't see it from the picture, well, he selected peas. No wonder he's so grumpy!



When I focused to take a photo of TenderHeart, I must say I was quite shocked. I know that Love-A-Lot is cute, pink and all, and I know she was sitting only inches away from you - BUT, I believe the next time there is a gathering, TenderHeart's invitation might just get lost in the mail!

Is that a hot dog in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?!

Support Our Troops

A very good friend emailed me this video from YouTube.com yesterday. I believe it was made by a 15 year old girl. It touched my heart and brought me to tears.

May is National Military Appreciation Month. I thought this video might help us all remember the men and women who are away from their families while they are serving our country.

I also thought I would add a link, for any of you who may be interested. The USO runs a program that for a donation of $25 you can sponsor a care package for the troops. An Operation USO Care Package at a minimum, includes requested items such as pre-paid worldwide phone cards, sunscreen, travel size toiletries, disposable camera and a message from the donor thanking them for their service and sacrifice.


P.S. Please do not make this a political forum. I did not post this video to begin a debate about war. I simply want to remember and support our troops. Thank you.

There'll Be Stains On The Carpet

My dear princess R., you know the one with the sweet disposition, is still potty TRAINING. She will be four in October. She started her training process on her third birthday. She started off strong and I thought we'd be free of diapers in this house until grandkids. She was so happy to receive her bribe reward of strawberry Twizzlers every timed she tinkled.

"I'm a BIG girl!" she would shout from the roof tops.

I don't know what happened but she must have gotten bored with the whole thing. Because now, we are back to square one. Only I think it's worse. I swear, unless I smell her, she'll walk around with a load in her pants for the entire day. It doesn't faze her in the least.

I am now having flashbacks to W. He, being my first born, well, I stressed a lot more about how things should be done. You know, you read all of those articles in Parents magazine, which basically tell you that each milestone should be reached very easily and at such and such a time. It's only natural with a nervous, new mom that if you don't reach that milestone, you believe you are a failure. It's only after you have more kids that you realize all of that stuff is a crock. I remember trying to potty train him as one of the most arduous tasks in child rearing I had yet to encounter. W. is a VERY strong willed child, well, all of my children are, but he and I wound up having a battle of the wills over where he was going to relieve himself. When he turned four I remember thinking that he would graduate high school in Depends because they stopped making Luvs after a size 6. I was beside myself. When we signed him up for preschool we decided to take him in for a look around. Then the idea struck me. W. is a very active kid who LOVES to be outdoors running, climbing, and jumping. We went into one of the classrooms and that's where I saw my glimmer of hope. Through the windows it glowed like a beacon. The school had a brand spanking new playground!

Hmmm....."Hey W., see that playground?" He nodded.

"Well, that's where ALLLL of the kids who are potty trained get to play." I then took him across the hall.

"See this room? This is the room where ALLLL of the kids who wear diapers take a nap while the others go on the playground." Silence.

That day when we got home, he went into his room, put on his big boy underwear and the rest is history!

So, back to my future Diva. She's got even more spunk than W. I'm doomed. I put her Strawberry Shortcake underwear on her this morning. She is now sitting on a towel in the living room and getting annoyed with me every time I ask her if she has to go. I figure if the floor is good enough for the puppy, it's good enough for my daughter! I think I'll be doing lots of extra laundry today. I told her she wasn't allowed to wear diapers until bedtime.

If this doesn't work, my next and final alternative will be more drastic. I'm sure everyone has seen this picture circulating around the web:

It got me to thinking:

But I may have to rethink, she is just way too young for her first leg and bikini wax.

Get Your Own Drink!

Last night I was watering my flowers. I finally planted some this year. I haven't done any gardening in a few years because, frankly, I just couldn't find the time with the kids. I was very excited to do my planters this year and the kids loved helping me.

I love flowers, but I really don't have much of a green thumb. Actually, I completely suck at gardening. I start off very enthusiastic and imagine that by mid-summer I will have these beautiful, hearty flowers all around me. I've learned that I need to plant my annuals in pots and planters. It's a lot easier to dump them out than it is to rip them out of the ground when they die. Thankfully, I seem to be better with kids than plants.

Anyway, I had purchased this really fragrant, gorgeous, hanging planter. The flowers are pink and white. That's all I know. I threw away the stick stating what they were. See, I just don't know what I'm doing here. I hung the planter outside of my front door under the eave. I love to smell them every time I step outside.

We started to notice these little birds loved them too. The kids and I would watch birds flying around the planter all day from the window. It never occurred to me that it was the same 2 birds and that they were a couple, eh-hem. Until last night that is. I went to water my planter, the flowers were somewhat wilty. And yes, I know that's not an actual word. I think I cursed the birds some and just as I went to pour some water in the planter, out one flew and almost took my head off. I ducked and almost fell on my rump. "I bet there's a nest in there!" I say. Hooray, Einstein.

I take the planter down, keeping a watchful eye on mama bird, who is eyeing me from a nearby wire. I'm not looking away, totally fearful she may attack. I look in and sure enough this is what I find:

The picture is dark, but there are 6 little speckled eggs in there. I called the kids to come see, still making sure mama bird is not preparing to peck me in my head. After they oohed and aahhed and I snapped this picture, I carefully placed the planter back up on its hook.

So, what do I do now? Do I keep watering the flowers, making sure to be careful of the nest? Do I just let the flowers die? I would hate to disturb a mother and her babies but shouldn't the flowers be kept alive to help hide her? And those things weren't cheap, neither!

The kids were very excited about the discovery. The boys pulled their arms in their shirts and stuck their elbows back out. They looked like they had wings and were flapping them all around the front of the house as they squawked very loudly. R. who was eating Kix from a paper cup, of course needed to get into the act. She placed her cup on the sidewalk and pulled her arms in her shirt. She couldn't quite grasp the concept of sticking her elbows out so the arms stayed in the shirt. All of a sudden she bends down and sticks her nose in her paper cup. She lifts the cup up with her mouth and walks away.

Mr. Schmitty and I were hysterical, though I can imagine what the people in the car that drove by were thinking. "Look at those cruel adults, they are laughing at the poor child with no arms trying to get a drink."

The Shower Scene

I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of hits on that title, though the Google searchers may be a tad disappointed.

Last night W.was in the shower. I was in the next room doing laundry, because as you know, when W. is in the shower you have to be within ear shot. He, as usual, was running up my water bill. For a child that is so damn skinny, he takes an awfully long time washing himself. I mean, c'mon, I've got enough meat on my bones to feed a small village, him, they'd throw to the dogs to chew on, and I'm out of the shower long before he's even washed his feet.

So, I leave the laundry room to yell at him to get a move on, probably for the 10th time. I hear him make an "UGH!" sound.

"What's the matter?"

"Mom? Can I say a curse word?"

"No, why do you want to say a curse word? What's the matter?" I'm rolling my eyes because he can be especially dramatic at times.

"Look!" He can never JUST tell me what's wrong, I have to come to him and LOOK.

"Oh.For.God's.Sake! You are getting too old for mom to be peeking in the shower!"

I pull back the curtain a bit and look in, "Now, whaaaa.....HOLY CRAP!"

"That's what I wanted to say!"

The shower looked like a scene out of Psycho. It was horrific. There was blood splattered everywhere. On the walls, the shower curtain, the shampoo bottles, the dollies R. left in the tub, and mostly all over him. WTF?!

He was bending slightly forward, the blood was just dripping from his nose. W. has always been prone to bloody noses. He's had his nose cauterized a few times. Now, with allergy season upon us it was only inevitable. I look at it this way, at least it was in the shower and he wasn't ruining his quilt. Nor was he leaving a trail on the rug in his room as he ran to the bathroom. Because you know he can never grab a tissue first because they are only right next to his bed.

Once we got it under control, I told him to re-shower and hurry it up. I think he is going to be the official reason why New Jersey will have a drought this summer. We'll all be under water restrictions because my son can't take a shower within a normal time frame.

When he got out I asked him why he takes so long.

"I was really dirty. I think I found spots that I've had since, like, when I was 5. I scrubbed really hard."

"Good because next time I'm setting the egg timer!"

Weigh In Tuesday

Well, I stepped on the scale this morning. I totally expected the needle to spin and spin until it and all of it's insides came boinging out of it. I really shouldn't have started a weight loss challenge the week my period was due. I had such water weight bloat you could have used me as a life saving device. I feel like I ate like a total pig. I don't think I ate A LOT, it's more of WHAT I ate. You know ladies, the back and forth of salt, chocolate, salt, chocolate. That was me, all week. The flow has begun, so I'm over the food cravings.

Anywho, I closed my eyes and stepped on the scale. No BOING noise, good, no getting hit in the face with springs, good, open eyes.....I LOST A POUND!! WTF? But goody for me! I jump up and down! I promise this week...no crap. I will stick to my vow of not eating after dinner time. I will begin my walking. If I can lose a pound this week, imagine the possibilities if I actually try!

A Look Into The Future

I totally see this being W. and T. in a few years. Enjoy!


I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day!

8 Things You Probably Didn't Need To Know About Moi

I've been tagged AGAIN! Actually, I was tagged for this one twice. This meme was bestowed on me by the dear Zephra of Chronicles Of An Exhausted Mom and a new friend Mrs. Fierce Shoes of Life Is Short...Buy The Shoes. I am going to combine the two and only give you 8 facts/habits about me. Mrs. Fierce Shoes, you will be getting an extra tid-bit. And sorry, but I seriously don't think you all need to know 15 interesting/weird things about me. I don't know if I could even come up with that many, well, maybe weird things.

Okay, here are the rules:

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

And here is my list:

1. Like Zephra, I LOVE to mess with my kids. It's all in fun and they know what a goof their mom is. One day we were driving home from somewhere and they were really acting up. We drove past a Dollar Tree store and W. asked what it was. I told him it was a store that I could bring my kids into and sell them for a dollar when they misbehave. Then all of those kids were hung on a big tree by the backs of their shirts. Kind of like a Christmas Tree. I then told him that because of they way they were all acting today I wouldn't sell them because I would probably only get one dollar for ALL three of them.

2. I am a walking movie trivia encyclopedia. I can see a short clip of a movie on tv and am usually able to name it. Even if I've never seen the movie before. I am usually the one everyone calls when they are trying to figure out the name of a movie or an actor. I don't know why I can remember stuff like that, I could have used that type of memory in history class during high school!

3. I once was robbed at the bank I worked for. The guy came in and had hit the only male that worked there. He then came behind the teller counter and right into my booth. He stood there with a gun to my side until I filled the bags. It was terrifying. He kept telling all of us to get on the floor. For some reason my body wouldn't cooperate. I think I got as far as squatting and the second he headed for the door I jumped up, hit the alarm, and calmly called the police. My actions were very freaky to me. I then promptly smoked a pack of cigarettes and fell apart that night.

4. I'm a self-proclaimed tomboy. Yes, I love pedicures, pretty things, and my frou-frou blush wine. But I'm not a girly-girl by any means. I love to wrestle with my boys and burp with them. I'd rather hang out with the guys than the girls, always have, always will. Back in the day I could out-drink, out-throw and out-hit a baseball, out-run, oh and definitely out-punch any dude on the block. Once when I was 10 I punched a grown man. It was his fault. He tried pulling me off the 13 boy I was beating the crap out of. It was the heat of the moment!

5. I have a fear of opening soup cans. You know how the can opener never seems to cut all the way around? Then you have to pry it open? That completely and utterly makes me a crazy woman. I keep picturing myself slicing my fingers wide open. I can't do it. If Mr. Schmitty isn't around I have to use a butter knife or something. I get the willies.

6. I've always wanted a tattoo. The only reason I don't have one is because Mr. Schmitty HATES, and I mean HATES them on women. I told him I wouldn't get one because of this. But being the wise-ass I am, I will ask him periodically what he would say if I got one out of the blue. Such the troublemaker I am. P.S. I only want a very small butterfly, that's not a big deal, right? Maybe for my 50th.

7. I once marched in New York's St. Patrick's Day Parade. I was a senior in high school and one of the captains of the drill team. We were AWESOME and had more spirit than the cheerleaders. We rocked at pep rallys. I remember one routine we had was to Maniac from the movie Flashdance. It was fun times!

8. I am a child abuse survivor. I have an estranged alcoholic father who basically made my childhood hell. But I don't want pity. What I endured has made me the person I am today. I am far from perfect but recognize my flaws and weaknesses. I try to learn from them and improve myself. I am not the perfect mother, I make a LOT of mistakes. But I also am fully aware of the things I lack from my childhood and make them different for my children. I am breaking the cycle. I am allowing them to be who they are and speak their minds, respectfully, of course, but they will always be able to come to me no matter what. I love them every day and tell them constantly how special they are to me. They all know I will keep them safe and will never hurt them. I have heard often that to move on you should forgive. I have moved on, and though I catch myself at times acting a certain way, perhaps because of the way I was raised, I can not forgive. I have come to terms with what happened and I have gotten past it, but now that I have children I can not forgive someone who could harm a child in such a way. That is the job of the abuser, to forgive themselves and let God bring down judgement.

I tag:

Maria, Robyn, Kristi, MissLionHeart, Babybull40, DraMa, Justice Jones, Heth, and Chris

(Ooops, that's 9! I guess the 9th thing about me would be I suck at math!)

Tell us a bit about yourselves ladies!

Mommy In Training

I overheard R. having a conversation with Ruby this morning. Well, it was more of a one sided-conversation because, well, Ruby is a dog. Though I think if she could speak she would have sounded like W. when I speak to him. She would have been rolling her eyes and all attitude.

T. was still asleep in his bed. He is definitely going to be one of those teenagers that stays up all night and sleeps all day, I see it coming. Every morning I have to pull all of the shades up, rip the covers off of him, and repeat over and over, "T. get up!"

Okay, where was I? Oh yea, T. was still sawing wood and his bedroom door was ajar. I have been keeping the bedroom doors closed to keep Ruby out. I really don't want to start smelling dog poop in the middle of the night because she went under my bed. But W. must have left his door open and Ruby snuck in, under the watchful eye of R.

I was in my bedroom and was about to walk out when I heard her. I stopped and listened in the dark. I heard the tone of her normally adorable voice change to one of authority. "Oh.My.God, she's a mini-me!" I thought to myself.

"Ruby, you can't be in there!" "Ruuuuuby!" "Ruuuubyyyyy!"

"Hmmmmph!" She throws the door open, "Who left this door open?" "Ruby, where are you?"

Ruby apparently has a sock in her mouth and is gnawing on it. "My boys left their clothes on the floor!" And yes, she refers to W. and T. as My Boys. "Hmmmmph! That goes in here!" I hear the lid to the hamper shut. I'm stifling laughs.

"Now Ruby you get out. Ruby out!" She is getting a taste of what I go through daily with the Schmitty kids, complete and total tune-out.

I can almost hear her stomp her bare foot on the rug, grit her teeth, and make her fists. "Ruby! Out! Now!"

It must have worked because then I hear the door slam. "Now, you know you can't go in there. Stay out."

She goes downstairs and says to W., "You left the door open. You left your clothes on the floor. Ruby got in. You can't do that!"

Oh SNAP!

She just reamed out her 8 year old brother!

Suddenly the bedroom door opens again. T. comes out rubbing his eyes.

"Hey T., did you hear R.?"

"Uh-huh."

"Isn't she so cute?"

He stops, scowls at me and says, "Not at all."

Oooops, I guess Her Boys aren't real happy with her today!

I'm 40, I Can't Call It Baby Fat

I found this post by Justice Fergie (boy, I've been talking a lot about YOU this week! LOL) at Mama Law. I'm a few days behind, but it's never too late to start getting healthy.

Tales From The Scales is hosting a May Day Weight Loss Challenge. I know I'm tired of looking the way I do. I am more tired of not being able to keep up with my kids. I'm 40, which isn't that the new 30? So why do I feel 60? Is anyone else feeling my pain? If so why don't you join me? We can lean on each other and what do we have to lose, but weight?

So, here goes, my story.

I was always thin, my whole life. As a typical teenaged girl, I thought I was fat. I think I weighed a whole whopping 108 pounds at 5'4". I hated my body. I thought my boobs were too big, I was a size C cup, which Mr. Schmitty tells me was a guy's dream and a girl's envy. I thought my butt was huge, too much junk in my trunk. I now look at pictures and say I would have flaunted both body parts if I knew what I do now, never mind hiding them under loose, long t-shirts. Hey, if J. Lo's behind is so great, I should have thought mine was da bomb!

I got married to Mr. Schmitty when I was 25. I weighed 118 pounds on my wedding day. We tried having babies right away. I wanted to be a young mom. It wasn't going to happen. We began to see fertility doctors. After 5 years of being poked and prodded and taking a ton of fertility drugs I finally got pregnant with W. at age 30. I was ecstatic and also a LOT heavier. The 5 years of hormones had packed on the weight, that, and all of the extra eating I was doing because of the stress of the endless roller coaster ride. That's what I do, I eat for comfort.

Half way through my pregnancy I was told I had gestational diabetes. I needed to go on a strict diabetic diet and I also needed to give myself insulin injections. I was feeling like quite the pincushion. I only gained 18 pounds during the pregnancy because while I was gaining baby weight the diet was making me lose my own weight. I was thinner after having W. than before I got pregnant!

W. was born with a heart defect. We had no idea until the day after he was born. We were rushed to a Children's Hospital that day. He had open heart surgery when he was only 5 days old. I was a complete and total wreck. After all I went through to conceive him, I was petrified of losing him. It took me a long time to bond with him in the beginning, I was afraid. I needed comfort, I turned back to the food.

Once I was sure W. was okay, we tried for baby #2. We had our scare, but he was great and we wanted to have another baby right away. We learned how precious life was and we wanted to fill our lives with more children. Again, I had problems conceiving. Actually, things seemed harder the second time and I needed to see a fertility doctor that specialized in Invitro Fertilization. This meant stronger drugs, more drugs, and more weight gain. After the first cycle, I became pregnant with T. I had gone through 4 1/2 more years of the roller coaster ride. I was told once again that I had gestational diabetes, only 5 baby pounds were added. Once T. was born I discovered I was 20 pounds lighter than before I was pregnant! Whoo-Hoo!

About 2 1/2 months after T. was born my clothes started feeling tighter. I was really behaving with my eating habits, how could this be happening? I just had a strange feeling, intuition, I guess. No way, it couldn't be. Four EPT's later it finally sank in, I WAS PREGNANT! Surprise, surprise, surprise. And it was my girl!! The diabetes came back and I gained 16 pounds.

I was thinner but this time I didn't feel good about anything. I went through major post-partum. The doctor said it was probably due to the back-to-back pregnancies. I went on prozac, more weight gain. I was beginning to see a pattern with my body's reaction to medications. I stayed on the meds until I realized that the weight gain was definitely defeating the purpose. I was getting more depressed because I was gaining weight and fast. The doctor showed no sympathy. He told me to, "Just eat right and exercise and you'll be fine." Okay, so easy, wanna babysit while I go for a salad and a jog? Needless to say, I have a new doctor. I weaned myself off of the prozac and my weight stayed where it was.

Last summer, by my gynecologist, I was diagnosed with PCOS, which made sense with my history of infertility, gestational diabetes, and weight problems that began in my twenties. My old fertility doctor put me on Metformin which is suppose to help with the weight issues, it made me practically a vegetable. I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I practically laid on the couch for 6 weeks, not good with 3 kids. The doctor kept telling me that I was having bad side effects and that I should eventually feel better. I didn't, I stopped the meds. I would live with the weight.

In December I began having stomach and anxiety problems. The stomach problems have made me change my eating habits. I stopped eating at night after dinner, a big downfall of mine, and I started drinking more water. I can't eat as much during a meal, because honestly, if I do, I will be in serious pain. What a great weight-loss program I have discovered! 14 pounds lighter, I am!

The stomach is okay most days. I have found that it acts up about a week prior to my period. The doctor says that hormones, ah, yes, those damn hormones, add to my discomfort. So now, I have gotten on the right track, I want to keep going.

I hope you all didn't fall asleep during this post. I usually don't make them this long. I did however, just find typing this today, very therapeutic. Sorry if I sounded, all woe-is-me. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't control my fingers on the keyboard.

I have just weighed myself. I know where I'm starting. Let's see how well I do!

Selective Memory

Mr. Schmitty played golf this past Saturday. It was a small tournament our neighbor asked him to play in. He doesn't get a lot of chances to play so I was happy he had this opportunity.

He left around 9 am wearing his ugly golf shirt and khakis. Why do they make those golf shirts so darn busy? It hurts my eyes just looking at one. Anyway, a few minutes after he walked out the door he came right back in.

"What did you forget? Your keys? Your wallet? Your cell?" Mr. Schmitty has a bad habit of misplacing these items on a daily basis.

"No, I'm changing into shorts, the guys were all riding me about the pants."

Mr. Schmitty does not wear shorts very much. He complains that his legs are too skinny and shorts just emphasize that. I wish I had that problem. I had to MAKE him pack shorts on our honeymoon. I was not going to allow him to wear jeans as we strolled the beaches of Jamaica.

He arrived home about 6:30 that evening. He wasn't happy how he played, but I could tell he had a great time anyway.

After the tournament was over he said they had gone into the clubhouse to eat. There was a female bartender waiting on them at the bar and he said she looked very familiar. Now mind you, Mr. Schmitty is lucky he remembers my name and he's not really good at recalling faces either. He continued his story and said that throughout the meal he just kept trying to place her.

Finally he asked her if she had ever tended bar in our area. She said, "Well, a long time ago I did at a place called Heartbreakers."

"That's it! he exclaims.

I just rolled my eyes at him and said, "Oh, that you remember!"

If you can't tell by the establishments name, Heartbreakers is a go-go bar. Back in the day, about 19 years ago, my hubby was also known as Go-Go-Joe.

One Of Those Weeks

Have you ever had one of those days that you basically want to put a f'ing gun to your head by 8 am? Well, I've had two of those in a row. The kids are driving me N.U.T.S.!

I've been feeling really good for the past week and a half and the weather has been gorgeous so I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been planting flowers galore, cleaning up the yard a bit, and playing with the kids in the yard. Mama is happy so everyone is happy.

Problem is, the more time you GIVE to my little ones, the more they seem to demand. Which brings us to Monday, weekend's over, mommy needs to stop putting off doing her chores, and must get down to some serious catching up. Tell that to them. I swear if I stop short, one of them is going to lose their head up my butt. I can't turn around without tripping over somebody. I'm not getting anything accomplished because they want this, and that, and this, and that, every two seconds it's, "Mommy I'm thirsty, mommy I'm hungry, mommy wipe my hiney, mommy come play with me." And though I KNOW I've given them more than enough attention lately, I still get the guilts when I tell them they need to go play and let me get my jobs done.

Yesterday afternoon I had about all I could stand. I hated to do it, but I told Mr. Schmitty he was going to have to take T. and R. with him to W.'s baseball game. I needed to get a hundred things done and there was no way it was getting done at the rate I had been going. Plus, truly, if he didn't get everyone out of here, I really was considering shoving my head in the oven.

They all packed up and that's when I heard it. Quiet. Sheer silence. It was wonderful. I got the bills caught up, school paperwork done, my business bookkeeping is up to date, I even drove to the bank and then the post office to mail the bills and an order to a customer.

I did this all in about 90 minutes, see what you can get done by yourself?

The crew wasn't due back for another 90 minutes, give or take, so I thought, is it possible? Do I get some me time too? Just as I was about to jump for joy, I see the minivan pull in the driveway.

"T. has to poop."

Of course he does. And out piles T. and R. whining, "Mommy we're tired. Mommy we're cold. Mommy we miss you."

Calgon......take me away!!

I Didn't Forget About You Justice Fergie!

I was tagged earlier in the week by dear Justice Fergie at MamaLaw for a "What's In Your Purse" meme. I've been a bit of a slacker in the blogosphere this week. The weather has been GORGEOUS! But, I am going to oblige and do my part and pass along this fun meme....then I'm going out to play some more in the sun!

Here is my current purse. I was shopping in Target, my favorite store, and it caught my eye and I just HAD to have it. It's orange, my color of the moment. I don't carry a purse much, I must say. I usually only carry one when I am alone because I still carry a diaper bag with extra clothes for R. until she gets this potty training thing down.

I'm a neat freak with OCD that HAS to have everything in it's place. I NEVER have a messy purse, I can't function if it's disorderly. I must say though, I think I might need a BIGGER purse, this one is quite tight and barely snaps shut.

This is my wallet, actually it is more of a wristlet. As I said, I usually have more than my hands are willing to carry so I'd rather grab this and run. It holds a ton of stuff, even my cell!

I have 5 lip glosses/balms in my purse. Only one has a bit of color, the one on the right is L'Oreal's Colorjuice in Raspberry Smash, I have 2 Squeezy Lipsmackers; Pink Lemonade and Strawberry, and just realized I have a Lipsmackers gloss, also in Strawberry, and my favorite lip balm that I buy in bulk; Bath and Body Works Sparkling Melon. As you can see, I love flavored lip stuff! I also have the newest toenail polish for me and my gal R., it's OPI's Cajun Shrimp.

I am the world's biggest gadget freak. I GOTS to have my gadgets. Here I have my newest pink Razor cell, I say newest because my other new one slipped through my butter fingers and landed on the sidewalk. It cracked in 2 places, thank goodness for insurance! I also have my other new toy, my pink Kodak digital camera. I love taking pics of the kids, have thousands and though I already own a digital, I needed something a more compact to fit in my purse. I purchased this as a 40th birthday gift to myself after my horrible beginning to the 4th decade of my existence! The Dell DJ you see here is not usually in my purse, but I was planning on getting that darn blood work done, the blood work I keep forgetting to have done, and figured I'd need some tunes while I waited in the lab office. Lastly, I have a place for all of those pics I take of the kids. It is my Kodak viewfinder. This gadget is awesome! It's the size of a credit card and holds all of my recent images. No more carting around Mom's Brag Book! I wouldn't have room in that purse anyway!

Here are 2 of my business pens and my trusty datebook. Though I am one for having the most up-to-the-moment gadgets, I don't own a Blackberry. I prefer the old fashioned way of keeping appointments marked. Go figure. I also have here my absolute necessity, Purell hand-sanitizing lotion. I should have stock in it. The kids automatically stick there hands out to me the second they get into the car. They know mommy's getting rid of any germs they may have picked up on a shopping cart!

I almost forgot this stuff, it was tucked in the zippered compartment in the back of the purse. The ever present Tylenol, remember, I have 3 kids under the age of 8. The "female products", just in case. A pack of tissues for boogers and a pack of gum for bad breath. I also have a pack of matches. I don't smoke, but I needed to borrow matches from a neighbor one night. I decided to keep them in my purse so the kids didn't find them and burn the house down. I had the most horrible hiccups, so bad it felt like my rib cage was going to break in half and my heart was going to fall out on the floor. Somebody told me that lighting a match under your nose will stop them. I tried 3 times, and I guess the 3rd is the charm because they stopped. I guess it's the sulfur.

So, that's it. Boring stuff, nothing exciting here. Sorry, no ticket stubs to a male dance review, though I think I may have some singles left in the wristlet!

Now, it's my turn to tag. I choose, Kim, Valerie, Zephra, Jessica, and MamaLee! Have fun girls!

In Search Of Sponsors

Hi everyone. My son W. is participating in his school's annual Walk-A-Thon. Every year the students spend approximately 45 minutes of their school day walking in order to raise money to help others. The event is a fundraiser for one or more people in our local or school community. By walking W. will show civic responsibility, school pride and spirit, increased self-esteem through helping others in need, and an appreciation for what he has. W. has enthusiastically joined his classmates since Kindergarten to make sure he does the best he can to help the child or family that is being sponsored each year.

A boy from our town, Jake, aged 11, was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia in 2002 while in Kindergarten. Jake's leukemia was in remission until January of this year when he relapsed. He will be undergoing treatment for the next year and will go on maintenance for another year after that. It is our hope that by raising money for Jake and his younger brother, Colton, aged 7, they will be able to forget their troubles even for one day and have a great time spending important quality time together as a family.

My son W. would like to ask you all if you would help by donating to this worthy cause. You may pledge any amount as every little bit helps. Please click on the Donation Button on the bottom to contribute via Paypal. The donations will run through my business account. Please make sure to include your name so W. can include it on his pledge form. The Walk-A-Thon is Monday, May 21, 2007, so the deadline for donations will be Sunday, May 20, 2007.

W. and I thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. And rest assured, he will be walking his little legs off to help his fellow classmates!

Please email me at aschmittylife@aol.com if you would like further information. Thanks again!

Chivalry Is Alive In Elementary School

Mr. Schmitty, T., R., Ruby, and I all took a stroll to W.'s school yesterday afternoon to pick him up upon dismissal. It was a beautiful day, a little warm for April, but I much prefer it to the cold and am so happy winter is gone. The school is very close to our home so it's a nice walk for the preschoolers. No worries that they will tire and we'll have to carry them.

Now that we have the world's most ADORABLE PUPPY it's very difficult to leave the school when the kids are released. Pretty much every child who comes out the front door makes a pit stop to pet and fawn over her before they get on the bus or begin their walk home. A few of the kids have even told their moms not to worry if they are a few minutes late because they are with us and the puppy. It's very comical.

One little girl, A., in particular walks home with us everyday we bring Ruby. She is a friend and classmate of W. and lives directly behind us. We've known her and her family since W. was a toddler.

All of Ruby's fans finally let us leave. We begin to walk and I notice W. say to A., who was carrying a backpack and a big shopping bag full of items she needed for a project, "A., let me carry that bag for you."

I beamed with pride and told him how thoughtful a gesture that was. Another mom overheard him and commented to me that he was just the sweetest boy. My heart swelled.

W. then says to A., "Actually A., I usually do this as a free service for everyone."

As opposed to what? Charging for it?